So, after a five month hiatus in Phoenix, I’m back in Los Angeles for good times and funs. Living downtown and back in comedy (though I never really left), I wanted you to all know that I’m back to updating my show page, and that I will be adding an online stand-up special of my 40th b-day show for you all to enjoy on a donation basis. I’ll keep you all posted, and in the meantime, come check out one of my upcoming performances. xoxoxo~
I’m in line at my local Chipotle where I sup’ most nights because, hey, giant bowl of food for under 600 calories. There is a gangly 13 year old (he could have been 24 for all I know, but let’s say 13) in front of me in line. As we wait, another child, younger, cuts in front of me in line to join him; presumably his brother. Then here comes dad. “Thanks, son”, brushing by me and getting in line.
“What a dick”, I think to myself.
But then comes mom about two minutes later. At this point, I can no longer allow such an injustice to go unaddressed. “Got any more people that will be joining you in front of the rest of us?”
DAD: Excuse me?
ME: You heard me. How many more Partridge Family A-holes will be joining your group and putting more time between me and my delicious steak bowl?
DAD: What? He held our place in line for us.
MOM: Ya, and I was outside talking to someone.
ME: Way to teach your children about fairness.
DAD: Pardon me? We are a family, what were we supposed to do?
ME: Ohhhhh…you’re a family. My bad. I forgot that gives you special privileges in restaurants. What were you supposed to do? The fair thing! Wait for your family, then get in line.
DAD: Oh, is that the RULE now?
ME: Yes! Actually, it is. Call any busy restaurant and ask if you can get seated before you entire party arrives.
DAD: But this isn’t a restaurant, it’s Chipotle.
ME: Don’t insult Chipotle! And let’s, for the sake of your weak-ass argument, pretend that Chipotle is not a restaurant. Morality is Universal, and taking action that benefit yourself while simultaneously short-handing other people is wrong. You’re teaching your children that their needs are more important than the needs of others and that they are somehow special. They’re not.
DAD: Would you like to go ahead of us?
ME: No! This instance is moot! I’m upset at the decay of society because people teach their kids that they don’t have to pay any attention to the fact that there are OTHER PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET.
Did I overreact? Perhaps, but I’m tired of idiots raising idiots taking up room on this planet who don’t give a shit about other people–it’s as if they don’t even see the other people. Not to mention these self-righteous parents who think that because they failed to pull out and shit themselves breeding more parasitic a-hole people that they–THEY–somehow are better, more responsible, or more deserving than those of us who choose not to bring more people into existence. Sadly, it’s usually the ones that would have considerate, intelligent kids that decide not to breed.
Smart and awesome people with kids, you know who you are and this doesn’t apply to you.
The rest of you? You’re not better. You’re not special. You’re not entitled to better service at the expense of others, and I will say something if I think you’re turning your children into assholes because it is my business.
And keep your kids off my lawn, god dammit.
I was reflecting a bit on the answer to the problems we have related to gun violence in the US, and here’s what I’ve decided.
On one hand, it is our constitutional right to bear arms. On the other hand, that amendment could be interpreted to mean only when foreign enemies are attacking us on our soil. Yet another interpretation could be that the entire amendment was written so long ago it is now irrelevant and needs to be revised (another great thing about our constitution is that it was written to be changed). My friend Craig had a good point, though: that if he could carry a concealed weapon and was in that theater, it’s very possible that only one or two people would have died.
Whatever your stance on guns is, one would have to agree that there are many other countries with just as many guns and not nearly as many tragic incidents like that which happened in Aurora, Colorado today. So, if it’s not the guns, what could it be?
My answer: too many fucking idiots.
Craig was right. Guns are great when smart, responsible people are the only ones allowed to carry them, and since guns aren’t going away, it’s clear that we have to eliminate the idiots. How do you do that? Birth Control. Free. For everyone. And stop making it against peoples’ religion. Republicans want everyone to be able to have a gun, but they also want everyone to have a truckload of babies. You can’t have both, GOP. Pro life or pro gun. Pick one.