Crotchfruit and the Downfall of Western Civilization.

So,

I’m in line at my local Chipotle where I sup’ most nights because, hey, giant bowl of food for under 600 calories. There is a gangly 13 year old (he could have been 24 for all I know, but let’s say 13) in front of me in line.  As we wait, another child, younger, cuts in front of me in line to join him; presumably his brother.  Then here comes dad.  “Thanks, son”, brushing by me and getting in line.

“What a dick”, I think to myself.

But then comes mom about two minutes later.  At this point, I can no longer allow such an injustice to go unaddressed.  “Got any more people that will be joining you in front of the rest of us?”

DAD: Excuse me?

ME:  You heard me.  How many more Partridge Family A-holes will be joining your group and putting more time between me and my delicious steak bowl?

DAD: What? He held our place in line for us.

MOM: Ya, and I was outside talking to someone.

ME: Way to teach your children about fairness.

DAD: Pardon me? We are a family, what were we supposed to do?

ME: Ohhhhh…you’re a family. My bad.  I forgot that gives you special privileges in restaurants.  What were you supposed to do? The fair thing! Wait for your family, then get in line.

DAD: Oh, is that the RULE now?

ME: Yes! Actually, it is. Call any busy restaurant and ask if you can get seated before you entire party arrives.

DAD: But this isn’t a restaurant, it’s Chipotle.

ME: Don’t insult Chipotle! And let’s, for the sake of your weak-ass argument, pretend that Chipotle is not a restaurant. Morality is Universal, and taking action that benefit yourself while simultaneously short-handing other people is wrong.  You’re teaching your children that their needs are more important than the needs of others and that they are somehow special. They’re not.

DAD: Would you like to go ahead of us?

ME: No!  This instance is moot!  I’m upset at the decay of society because people teach their kids that they don’t have to pay any attention to the fact that there are OTHER PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET.

Did I overreact? Perhaps, but I’m tired of idiots raising idiots taking up room on this planet who don’t give a shit about other people–it’s as if they don’t even see the other people.  Not to mention these self-righteous parents who think that because they failed to pull out and shit themselves breeding more parasitic a-hole people that they–THEY–somehow are better, more responsible, or more deserving than those of us who choose not to bring more people into existence.  Sadly, it’s usually the ones that would have considerate, intelligent kids that decide not to breed.

Smart and awesome people with kids, you know who you are and this doesn’t apply to you.

The rest of you?  You’re not better.  You’re not special.  You’re not entitled to better service at the expense of others, and I will say something if I think you’re turning your children into assholes because it is my business.

And keep your kids off my lawn, god dammit.

Birth Control, not Gun Control

I was reflecting a bit on the answer to the problems we have related to gun violence in the US, and here’s what I’ve decided.

On one hand, it is our constitutional right to bear arms.  On the other hand, that amendment could be interpreted to mean only when foreign enemies are attacking us on our soil. Yet another interpretation could be that the entire amendment was written so long ago it is now irrelevant and needs to be revised (another great thing about our constitution is that it was written to be changed). My friend Craig had a good point, though:  that if he could carry a concealed weapon and was in that theater, it’s very possible that only one or two people would have died.

Whatever your stance on guns is, one would have to agree that there are many other countries with just as many guns and not nearly as many tragic incidents like that which happened in Aurora, Colorado today.  So, if it’s not the guns, what could it be?

My answer: too many fucking idiots.

Craig was right.  Guns are great when smart, responsible people are the only ones allowed to carry them, and since guns aren’t going away, it’s clear that we have to eliminate the idiots.  How do you do that?  Birth Control.  Free.  For everyone.  And stop making it against peoples’ religion.  Republicans want everyone to be able to have a gun,  but they also want everyone to have a truckload of babies.  You can’t have both, GOP.  Pro life or pro gun.  Pick one.

Daniel Tosh and Rapity Rape Rape Jokes

Recently, Daniel Tosh made an apology for some comments he made to a heckler about rape during a show. The joke he told that provoked the girl in the audience was “How can a rape joke not be funny? Rape is hilarious.” The girl then yelled back “Actually, rape jokes are never funny!”

At this point, every comedian knows the content is moot; it’s the fact that they have a heckler to punish that becomes the reality, so Tosh shot back “Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl got raped by like 5 guys right now?” This girl believed she was ACTUALLY in danger of being gang raped during a Daniel Tosh show.

Let’s talk about this girl. First, she says she was at this show and was unaware of the sort of material Daniel Tosh does. Really? You paid Daniel Tosh prices for a ticket to a Daniel Tosh show and you were unaware of his shtick? Second, heckling during a comedy show is an especially egregious act engaged in only by victim-players or drunken assholes with zero sense of humor and daddy issues with a desperate need for attention. If you don’t have a sense of humor, and you’re unaware of the comic’s material, stay the fuck home. A comedian has the right to joke about whatever he or she wants, especially if it’s funny; and in this case, it’s hilarious. I have a song about fat girls sucking dick, and only once in 3 years has it made a fat girl mad. She was 14 and had not yet honed her dick sucking skills, so I can sorta see where that would upset her. I have rape material, I use the F word and the N word and the C word. I’ve joked about 9/11, AIDS, dead celebrities, and sodomy without a problem. This girl needs to shut the fuck up. Heckling is way worse than a rape joke will ever be.

I suppose if this girl read this, she might say “Hey. I’m a victim of rape and it’s not funny.” To that I still say shut the fuck up. ANYTHING can be funny, and I’ve got news for you, lady: I’m a victim, too, and laughter is the one thing that keeps it from having happened in vain. Recently, I was in a documentary about sexual assault in the military called The Invisible War. It premiered at Sundance 2012 and went into limited release in June. It’s an extremely important movie and it’s changing the laws surrounding the reporting of sexual assault in the military. It’s probably the most important thing I’ve participated in my entire life, and the impact of the movie will be felt globally. Keeping this in mind, Daniel Tosh replacing his sister’s pepper spray with silly string, she gets raped, and then says to her brother “Daniel, you got me SO GOOD!” is fucking funny.

Daniel, there was no need to apologize.